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1. Keep Communication Open and Honest
While it’s important to protect children from unnecessary adult conflicts, it’s equally important to be honest with them about what is happening. Tailor your conversations to their age and understanding but be clear about the changes they can expect. Avoid placing blame on either parent and reassure them that they are loved and supported by both parties.
Children of different ages need different information. For younger children, focus on reassuring them about their safety and love. For older children, you can provide more details about the separation, but avoid burdening them with adult issues like financial strain or the reasons for the separation.
Answer their questions honestly but try to avoid discussing adult conflicts, finances, or any negative comments about the other parent. Make sure they know that both parents will continue to be there for them.
2. Maintain Stability and Routine
Children thrive on stability, especially during major life changes. Try to maintain a sense of normalcy by keeping daily routines as consistent as possible. This includes mealtimes, school schedules, extracurricular activities, and bedtime routines. Routine helps children feel secure and understand that, despite the changes, their basic needs and structure remain intact.
Consistency in parenting time: If possible, create a predictable parenting schedule so your child knows where they will be and when. Avoid frequent changes to the schedule as this can create confusion and stress.
Home environment: If you’re moving or your child is living between two homes, make sure both homes feel like safe and comfortable places. Personalize their space and provide familiar items, such as toys, books, or decorations, to help them adjust to the new living arrangements.
3. Focus on Co-Parenting
The most important factor in protecting your children during a divorce or separation is maintaining a co-parenting relationship with the other parent, even if this is difficult. Children need both parents involved in their lives, and effective co-parenting helps ensure that they feel supported and loved by both.
Minimize conflict: When communicating with your ex-spouse, try to keep the conversation respectful and focused on the children’s needs. Avoid arguing in front of the children or involving them in disputes. This can create emotional stress and divide their loyalty.
Be consistent in parenting styles: If possible, try to agree on key rules, boundaries, and expectations for your children in both homes. While you may have different approaches, consistency will help children feel secure and avoid confusion.
4. Ensure Emotional Support
Divorce and separation are emotionally challenging for children, and they may struggle to process their feelings. It’s important to create an environment where they feel safe to express themselves and seek support.
Encourage open expression: Let your children know that it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or angry. Encourage them to talk about their emotions, but don’t pressure them to share if they’re not ready. Be patient and understanding and let them know you’re there to listen whenever they need to talk.
Professional support: If your children are struggling with the emotional impact of the separation, consider involving a child therapist or counselor. Professional support can help children navigate their feelings and learn healthy ways to cope with the changes.
5. Protect Their Relationship with Both Parents
One of the most harmful things parents can do during a separation or divorce is to involve their children in the conflict or speak negatively about the other parent. It’s crucial to support your child’s relationship with both parents, regardless of the challenges you may be facing.
Avoid badmouthing the other parent: Even if you’re angry or hurt, do not speak poorly of your ex in front of your children. Negative comments can create confusion, guilt, and stress, and it may damage the child’s relationship with the other parent.
Encourage positive relationships: Help your children maintain a strong bond with both parents by supporting their relationship with the other parent. If possible, facilitate communication and make sure your child has regular, meaningful contact with both parents.
6. Involve Children in Decisions (When Appropriate)
As children grow older, they may have more opinions about the living arrangements and how their time is divided between parents. While children should never be forced to choose sides, it’s important to involve them in decisions when it’s appropriate, especially if they are old enough to express their wishes.
In Ontario, the courts consider the child’s preferences in custody and access decisions if the child is old enough and mature enough to express a reasonable preference. However, it’s the judge’s job to decide what is in the child’s best interests.
Ensure their voices are heard: When making parenting decisions, listen to their feelings and preferences, but keep in mind that they may need guidance and reassurance that their needs will be met. Don’t put them in the position of having to take sides.
7. Legal Considerations for Custody and Access
In Ontario, if parents cannot agree on child custody or access (parenting time), they may need to seek a legal resolution. There are two types of custody:
Joint custody, where both parents share decision-making responsibilities for the child.
Sole custody, where one parent has the primary responsibility for making decisions on behalf of the child.
When making decisions about custody, the court will always consider the best interests of the child, including:
The child’s physical, emotional, and psychological needs.
The child’s relationship with each parent.
The child’s views and preferences, if appropriate for their age.
If you and the other parent cannot agree, mediation or court intervention may be necessary to create a parenting plan that works for everyone involved.
8. Take Care of Yourself
Finally, to protect your children, it’s important that you also take care of your own emotional and physical well-being. Divorce and separation can be incredibly draining, but you need to be in a stable place to effectively support and care for your children.
Self-care: Make time for self-care activities that help you recharge, whether it’s exercise, spending time with friends, or practicing mindfulness.
Seek support: Consider seeking support for yourself through therapy, counseling, or support groups for separated or divorced parents.
Conclusion
The well-being of your children should be the top priority during a separation or divorce. By focusing on clear communication, emotional support, co-parenting, and protecting your child’s relationship with both parents, you can help them navigate this challenging time with stability and love. Taking legal steps to ensure their best interests are at the forefront will also create a foundation for a healthier future for your family.
Jessica Luong is the founder and principal lawyer of J. Luong Law, a boutique family law firm with offices in Toronto and Windsor, Ontario. With experience in both courtroom advocacy and out-of-court negotiation, she offers a comprehensive approach to resolving complex family law matters. Jessica is recognized for her skill in combining strong advocacy with a client-centered approach, ensuring that her clients’ needs and best interests are always at the forefront. She can be reached by phone at (226) 256-9988 or by email at Jessica@jluonglaw.com
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